after_enlightenment

yom kippur meditation

2011-10-07T18:08:00.002-04:00

i forgive your indescretions and repeated
mistakes and i forgive
the hidden nature of your heart
i forgive you wallowing in the sadness
the fear of trusting, and finally your anger

now, will next year be different?

lonliness

2011-10-03T07:56:00.003-04:00

its been awhile, been spending too much time on facebook and not enough time looking in...i used to journal all the time, but after starting a blog, i got used tomy inner demons being displayed for whom ever to see.

very sad this morning, and wanting it to be seen, but not by people who know me, and besides, im pretty sure no one comes here any more after my year of silence

many moons of loss as of late, loosing my dad, having drop foot and left side weakness, loosing my grandmother, changes at work, finding out my other grandmother has cancer, and having my best hang out buddy turn a date into a full time situation in the matter of a week (spending the whole time with me texting this guy, and stopping by just to let me know im being cancelled cause anytime we had set up is the only time he can see this guy)

im childish, i know, but im left feeling used and unimportant...but then again i find me unimportant, im uninterested in being with myself

depression is a bitch

Song of the day:

The National- Sorrow

2010-08-17T18:03:00.000-04:00

this is exactly hosw i feel...embracing sorrow

..dont leave my hyper heart alone
on the water
cover me in rags and bones and sympathy
cause i dont want to get over you

sorrow waited, sorrow won

2010-08-16T18:36:00.004-04:00

dad, pregnant (with me) mom and cousin aimee

i have things to say again, things i want to be witnessed but unsure whom to say them to...

my dad died this january...it was always a difficult relationship...no it wasnt difficult when i was under three, from the pictures i can tell we enjoyed and loved eachother...

but when i was three he left my mother for the first time,and after accidentally being exposed to nova's 'the miracle of life' after sesame street one morning lounging on a yellow chair with my bankie in hand, sitting there trying to process what i was learning about how i came to be (so very different then the books i'd read at the library) and at this moment...

at that moment, my mother decided to tell me that my dad was sterile and that my father was an anonymous sperm donor, but that i was born out of love

but my father didnt want me to know, hadnt told his family and this move on my mothers part forced him to make it public knowledge

i mean, he didnt really have a choice, cause i was running up to everyone-perfect strangers at the bus stop even- and saying to them...

"my mommy was artificially inseminated!!"

i came across a blog by a woman whose profile begins with the line "i am the daughter of an anonymous sperm donor"....

but me, i am the daughter of a man born in a displaced persons camp whose best wasnt as much as i needed and who happened to have a very low sperm count...and even if he was also my biological father, i'd still have very little knowledge of my genetics as the war wiped out the majority of his family and the rest of them...

well they dadn't talk about the past at all

Song of the day: sorrow-the national

reconnecting with self

2009-11-02T07:10:00.004-05:00

good morning to all, if there is anyone at all who still pops in every now and then to say good morning

i am full of energy today...i had a ceu with jackie last friday, and it was wonderful to be back in a classroom with her...she does support the best environment for me...i can spread out in the field and allow myself to fill the room without drowning others out

this belongs here, on after enlightenment, because it is she that inspired me to start this blog, and it was something i stopped enjoying after we had a break in our connection...but have realized since that break that i can find that same inspirational feeling inside of myself without her...it just is made ten times more powerful in her presence (so interested in the energetioc aspect of things now a days)

....anyhow, i want to share the experience...and i will, but nmot right now, i have to go to target, but hopefully i will post agaion this afternoon

Song of the day: what i am- edie brickell

2009-10-06T16:29:00.000-04:00

Song of the day:

gestalt/energy playwork assignment

2009-08-21T17:08:00.003-04:00

"stands alone"
"downward dog"
"soldiers, 1776"
"eye contact"

Song of the day: buckets of rain - bob dylan

thinking of bear boy

2009-02-09T16:26:00.002-05:00

remembering him brings feelings of trust, and also awareness of how much more life can offer me
and this song fits right now

There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible Giants
in the sky!

When you're way up high
And you look below
At the world you left
And the things you know,
Little more than a glance
Is enough to show
You just how small you are.

When you're way up high
And you're own your own
In a world like none
That you've ever known,
Where the sky is lead
And the earth is stone,

You're free, to do
Whatever pleases you,
Exploring things you'd never dare
'Cause you don't care,
When suddenly there's

A big tall terrible Giant at the door,
A big tall terrible lady Giant
sweeping the floor.
And she gives you food
And she gives you rest
And she draws you close
To her Giant breast,
And you know things now
that you never knew before,
Not till the sky.

Only just when you've made
A friend and all,
And you know she's big
But you don't feel small,
Someone bigger than her
Comes along the hall
To swallow you for lunch.

And your heart is lead
And your stomach stone
And you're really scared
Being all alone...

And it's then that you miss
All the things you've known
And the world you've left
And the little you own-

The fun is done.
You steal what you can and run.
And you scramble down
And you look below,
And the world you know
Begins to grow:

The roof, the house, and your Mother at the door.
The roof, the house and the world you never thought to explore.
And you think of all of the things you've seen,
And you wish that you could live in between,
And you're back again,
Only different than before,
After the sky.

There are Giants in the sky!
There are big tall terrible awesome scary wonderful
Giants in the sky!

Song of the day: giants in the sky- sondheim/lapine
much gratitude, bear boy

loofa love

2009-01-06T09:08:00.001-05:00

love

so my friends mom had a hanukkah party last week and she gave out loofa gloves to everyonw and before i could get my pair into the shower, kitten discovered and fell in love with said gloves

so now, one glove made it to the shower and the other lives in kitty love
Song of the day: stray cat strut- the stray cats

as is- ani difranco

2008-11-18T08:13:00.002-05:00

i know, i know, i have been very quiet, but i just find life moving faster and faster, and i just never seem to be able to blog when i want to....

life is good, good dreams last night, and this was in it

Song of the day: as is- ani difranco
thank you, daniel, for this song
you have no idea how much it meant to me

ओत much

2008-11-03T07:57:00.002-05:00

so i started another gestalt program yesterday, working with physical process, and was feeling quite anxious, so i stopped up at the lake before i went, and the blue heron was hanging out on a little stone pyre by the bridge. i started taking pictures of him, but then saw the albino duck, and went to take a shot, when Heron flew off the pyre, and settled right in front of the duck, then i met logan at dinner (i didnt know who he was at first, but we had fun coloring together, then his dad, one of the kitchen workers at the restaurant came over, and told us he had a two day old baby sister, and they were off to see her

Song of the day: circle-edie brickell

allen raymond on bill mahr

2008-10-25T10:16:00.002-04:00

its time to stop thinking that if the truth sounds more like a movie, so much so that we try and convince ourselves that there is no way it could be true and remember that movies are nothing but a mirror of real life

protect our vote!!
1.offer a ride to the polls for someone,
2. remind ten friends for ten days of when we vote
3. wear your "i voted" sticker
4.take ten minutes to learn a little about the history of voter suppression

Song of the day

falling-alison moyet

2008-10-25T06:43:00.001-04:00

so lets talk about projection, understanding i was never in love with you, just professionally blown away....its true, in some ways, you and me, we are one of a kind, i did find, and being around you, finding such gratification in experiencing you (to this day), i get that what i see in you is what i hide in me.....but truthfully, it's been anything but peaceful (ofcourse, who ever said i liked peace...)

Song of the day:falling- alison moyet

autumn stroll

2008-10-25T06:11:00.003-04:00

mum sent me two pair of ugg boots for my birthday this week, so i decided to start getting her moneys worth right away and headed out to the lake

first thing i see this albino looking duck, or its truly the ugly duckling
and then heron crossed my path
the colors arent very impressive this year, but the white duck kept showing up where i was...it was a good walk

Song of the day: woof!- snoop dog

in silence

2008-10-20T07:18:00.004-04:00

i have done alot of moving, shifting, changing....
though i miss coming here, finding time to write
at this point in my life, i am more interested in listening than speaking
so much to learn, and only my interest in being taught to give...
this will shift, i am aware
and it exists not in all places (like with interns- there, it is my responsibility to help teach, even as i learn from the full time worker, their supervisor)

how easily done it is, to close self, be dispassionate-
find compassion for the plentitude of truths,
expereiences...from the latin root passeo, to suffer, experience, so feel passion is to suffer,
experience-

thats it for the morning

Song of the day:

workshop: brooke medicine eagle 9/08

2008-08-19T06:40:00.002-04:00

September 12-14, 2008 in cleveland ohio...for more information, contact jackie stevenson

Song of the day: path of beauty- brooke medicine eagle

urge for going- joni mitchell

2008-08-19T06:34:00.002-04:00

noticed how late the sun is rising this weekend, and this song has been in my head ever since...

Song of the day:urge for going- joni mitchell

old friends and horses

2008-08-06T07:56:00.004-04:00

dreamt of this song last night, with these folks singing it...michelle and i had a friendship once upon a time, she'd open for the indigo girls and get me and missy wright backstage passes, take us "grocery shopping" in the dressing rooms after the girls left the arena (artpark
'96 was the bestest, and those chicks ate WELL!!)

anyhow, have horses on the mind, considering a cowgirl weekend, floating back and forth, and now a friend is also interested, but im not as drawn to the whole day as id like in order to spend that kind of money...but it was good to dream of this song, woke up light hearted and full of what is good in me...

not to change the subject at all, and its not really changing anything, considering the full picture, which most of you dont know, but ive been doing some "shadow work" recently, and discovering that its not the darkness i have trouble embracing, its actually something that ive heard is called thge "light shadow", and i do, i have discomfort admiring others, and realizing that what i admire, i have the potential to hold in me...and somehow, this morning, with this song, with this musical dream, everything seems all right, even struggling with this projective dynamic

Song of the day: wild horses- indigo girls w/michelle malone (but we all know its really a 'stones song)

work keys!!!

2008-07-28T19:53:00.004-04:00

after four full years as a member of the M........t hospital staff, they have finally given me my own set of keys...one to the social work office and the "P3" key, which opens all the doors on the inpatient psychiatric uit.

i left my other job about two months ago. i didnt love the job- i was a very underpaid secretary/errand girl/driver/editor- and when my new supervisor at the hospital approached me and asked me to take on more hours, i gave my notice to my other boss...i think there was some question in my social system as to why i did this, i was told that "you cant just leave jobs because you dont like them", but the reason i left was to go from 15-20 hours a week to 25-35 at the hospital each week,depending on need....i love being a psychiatric social worker...and besides, it pays 2 and 1/2 what the secretary job did...who wouldnt make the choice i made?

anyhow, having keys, i believe that i am an important employee, wanted, and that i am slowly learning all the intricacies of working with both chronic mental illness and dementia...

Song of the day: she works hard for her money- donna summers

changing habits

2008-07-15T07:36:00.002-04:00

sometimes it frightens me how easy it can be for me to find a comfortable (though not normally desirable) place to be in my life, and how much difficulty i have finding motivation for change....however, two weeks ago i became motivated to change my comfortable but harmful habits.

for two weeks now, i have been starting my day with a walk, going out of the way to walk to the coffee shop, i walk a little over a half mile just to get my morning wake up.

i have started eating breakfast everyday....while i cant say eating at home is saving me any money at this point, i can say that when i eat breakfast, i am not as hungry in the evenings and the likelyhood of a 10 pm binge drops by about 60%

ie been doing yoga daily again, just 25 minutes, but find i am more centeres through the whole day for it

and finally, i have been using a site called the daily plate, and can see what it is i am eating....i realize that i eat way too much protien, but that i never seem to reach daily cholestoral requirements....go figure that

i like paying attention to myself in these ways, and am glad i found a little motivation for it...

dreaming

2008-07-14T06:26:00.003-04:00

it will be hard to capture this, as major points were lost upon waking, but it feels important to try

for some reason, i need to go to andy's house, and i am going to walk, but my shoes had been taken. i decide to walk anyhow, its a short walk, and i get there, and rosanna is there, and my mother is there, and there is another strange woman, lets call her X (as she was never named).

X is the mother of another woman involved in the dream, though i never see her, i know X has done great harm to her and i distrust her. X's husband is there as well, and it turns out he owns a boat

then we are on the boat, which is huge and it is for some kind of conference. we are supposed to meet up for a lecture at a certain time (i think it was 9) but i was being me, and wanting to do something else, and just as i was going to go off to do whatever, a woman sees me and goes "id you forget about the gathering time?" which i had, and i get onto an elevator with this woman, who spends the entire ride up praising X...

the elevator ride was in and of itself scary, it was a glass elevator, and very snug, and this woman and i sat on the railings as the elevator stopped at every floor, letting others on and off, but finally we reach the top deckwhere people are swimming ina pool

anyhow, lots has been lost in this retelling, but it was a very vivid dream

considering general clark

2008-07-01T20:31:00.002-04:00

from yahoo news:

Gen. Clark won't back off critique of McCain
By DAVID ESPO, AP Special Correspondent

WASHINGTON - Retired Gen. Wesley Clark rejected suggestions he apologize Tuesday for saying John McCain's medal-winning military service does not qualify him for the White House. Elaborating, Clark said a president must have judgment, not merely courage and character......Despite criticism from Republicans, Clark declined to back down in an interview Tuesday morning with ABC. "The experience that he had as a fighter pilot isn't the same as having been at the highest levels of the military and having to make ... life or death decisions about national, strategic issues," he said.

Asked whether he felt he owed McCain an apology, Clark responded, "I'm very sorry that this has distracted from the message of patriotism that Sen. Obama wants to put out."

good for both of these men

this is america, and we are voting for one of the most important positions in the world. nothing in what general clark said, i feel, was inappropriate, or questioning on the goodness of mccain as a person, or importance and deserved respect as a soldier

but if we cant start looking at different ideas, and considering what we really want in a president- which for me is the ability to think, go with or against the grain of the people based on deep reflection and critical thinking, as well as courage and goodness- than we are doomed to sink lower and lower in the status of the world

Song of the day:

leaving no child behind....

2008-07-01T06:29:00.003-04:00

saw this documentary on hbo the other day....it was like walking back into the halls of margeret ireland high school (which is where i was placed while working for Beech Brook, a local child /adolescent mental health agency

oe of the hardest aspects for me, working at an inner-city alternative (meaning every child had failed at least one grade and most had disciplinary actions against them as well, if not legal issues)high school (meaning grades 7-10, but the students were all of high school age) in the city of cleveland was how hopeless it felt to be there

the administration blames teachers, parents are unable to digest their own lack of involvement and the role that their inability to participate in their kids' education plays, and the kids are allowed to stay in the classroom no matter what their behavior is

all i can think is that we have done them the biggest disservice, all in the name of "saving" them

Song of the day: gangsta's paradise- coolio

dreaming duplicity

2008-06-27T07:39:00.002-04:00

dreaming:
at a party at jackie's, recognize a number of the people, there is this little boy there, from next door, whose always liked me and i sit with him for awhile, i see the rock girl, but i wonder where the others are, alot of people i remember from before, from the solstaces

at a different house and there are all the missing people, and i ask them why they arent at the other party and turns out they didnt know about it, and that made me really sadSong of the day:

say good-bye to keeping it live

2008-06-26T06:47:00.003-04:00

was at my corner coffe shop last night, met a friend up there, and was looking forward to hearing the wednesday night local band do their rendition of stairway to heaven or an indigo girls tune. i walked up and sitting at the table outside was a small cluster of women that caught my attention due to the packed up instruments and sour expressions, and i thought "now, what could really be that bad?"

inside, my friend had already arrived and was considering her options of cold drinks. i leaned onto the counter and looked down at a newly added sign that read "we are sad to report that as of now, all live music has been suspended until further notice"

the barista in charge on wednesday, a face familiar from a number of years of working coffee bars and running open mic/live music selections was on duty and i said "kevin, why?" he says to me that the big recording companies had been contracting out to local agencias to approach local coffee shops and bars to demand royalties for bands playing covers and that this particular coffee shop couldnt afford the payment, and so could no longer offer live music

having dome some research, it appears that they technically cant even have a football game on without having to pay royalties for the theme song to 'monday night football" (which i didnt even know existed, let alone pay attention to)

i believe that for most bands, sharing the love of music and keeping it live, even if its a terrible newly minte\d high school garage band playing the worst rendition of "smeels like teen spirit" ever, is what its all about....too bad that the big guys, instead of finding a new way to address the money leak from the inter-net bound self producing individuals that are the future of music 9(think radioheads magnificent move to offer their album at consumer set price), they are taking the joy of music away from all

peace out all

Song of the day:

purpose

2008-06-24T07:23:00.002-04:00

maybe a blog doesnt need to have purpose...

i have just finished up a period of covering fukll time at the hospital, and find myself feeling like i have some breathing room this morning....and in this breathing room i want to write.

the hardest part for me is that i CANNOT talk about work in this space, my joys and heartaches, approval and indignation...

too many people have lost their employment due to speaking up on the internet reguarding their employers

....but i can talk about healthcare in general, and i can talk about gestalt, and i can write poetry, i can talk about love of nature and i can keep family and friends updated

that is enough purpose for me for now

Song of the day:

camping all by meself on jojo's land

2008-06-23T19:34:00.002-04:00

which will- nick drake

2008-06-23T19:23:00.002-04:00

i love this guy...most people think he's sad, i think he knew the truth, as his sound feels more honest than most i have experienced...thanks for sharing this with me

Song of the day: which will- nick drake

high hopes

2008-06-10T06:59:00.002-04:00

i had such high hopes when i started this blog, to make a difference, to tlak about things that have meaning for me, to live a more aware existance....

recently, as i get more into being healthy and employed, i find i talk little here....

the professor that inspired me, she is no longer interested, and i have not found a new inspiration.....but i still have high hopes....i will be considering the direction this blog will take moving forward, bacause as of right now, i feel like i am kind of wasting space

Song of the day: anthem-leonard cohen

more dreaming and a deer story

2008-06-03T06:39:00.004-04:00

i came face to face with a deer yesterday at shaker lakes (yes, i checked myself for ticks), we just looked at eachother for a minute or two, and then she moved quietly into some trees...i know they are common now but for all their regularity, i have never encountered one...it was intense

any how, i dreampt about alex from gestalt last night...we werent friends again in the dream, but i bought her a tv, and me and some friends took it to her house, but it wasnt the tv she wanted, so my friends and i let to get her the right one, so we go to a store, i think i made my friends ignore a party to get the right tv, and i got this white tv that kind of looked like a big ibook
, and it had a cover that opened from the middle and folded out to each side...so maybe like two ibooks together...i cant explain it better right now, but i took it to alex who set it up without saying a word and my friends and i left to have fun

i know there is alot missing in this waking memory, but it seemed worth it to catch

Song of the day: my groups class mix cd- various

post-camping dreams

2008-06-02T06:37:00.002-04:00

i had a restless night after this last wolf creek (which i hope to have time to write about, but for now i dont), i fell asleep around 10, woke about 2, tossed and turned til 4:30...but from that point until i got up to shoxer at 5:30 i dreamed....i dont remember them all, but i want to capture these

1. it was some sort of overnight workshop at jackie's house, only i brought my cats along, and it wasnt really jackie's house. my kitten echo wa playing while i was straightening up, and i heard this 'oomph' and i turn around to look at echo, but it wasnt echo, so i blinked my eyes, rubbed them, trying to figure this out, when i realized that there was another kitten sitting on echo, and the dream panned back to view the whole room and there were about 6 more kittens, and i felt a little anxious about this, and then i went to look for jackie to find out what this was, but couldnt so i came back to my room, ready to let any other cat owner that may be thinking my room was their room know that it was in fact my room, i got there first.

2. sitting on a couch across from another couch, jackie in a chair to my left. an older woman across from me and a younger woman next to her. the older woman asks me a question, i dont remember what it was, and then she asks me a second question, which was obviously a come-on, and the energy in the dream shifted, as it seemed very out of place for her to be me asking this, and jackie, in a disapproving tone, admonishes "marlene?!!" only it wasnt marlene, and i actually muttered that under my breath

then i woke up for my day.....what do you think?

Song of the day: how could anyone- libby rodereick

as is- ani difranco

2008-05-29T07:11:00.001-04:00

forget the video, one of my favorite songs of all times

a few more gestalt pics

2008-05-22T20:22:00.005-04:00

Song of the day:

ingenuity fest 2007:jeff moyer

2008-05-22T09:36:00.001-04:00

gtpx time line banner

2008-05-19T08:32:00.002-04:00

2008-05-19T08:30:00.002-04:00

gtpx flower ceremony

2008-05-19T07:08:00.002-04:00

we finished this gestalt experience as we started, with each group member placing a flower in a vase....when we opened, it felt odd, trying to find our rhythms in this silent room of strangers

this time, i had made a cd with one song from every member, and each person took their turn when their song came on the stereo....and we had other represent the missing members (ellen went for mary joe, i went for jody, lisa went for alex-and gave a wonderful statement i must add-, tracey went for mary grace....we even held those that disappeared early in the program- ann, harold and phenon were there.

i will let the rest speak for itself

2008-05-19T06:58:00.001-04:00

2008-05-19T06:55:00.002-04:00

2008-05-19T06:50:00.001-04:00

2008-05-19T06:47:00.002-04:00

2008-05-19T06:40:00.002-04:00

....thank you gtpx: final gestalt closure

2008-05-19T06:36:00.002-04:00

....jody, you got it perfectly, though i admit, it would be more understandable if i still had the video you took from the first weekend
of me trying to eat an apple core

Song of the day: the silence of assimilation

Indigo Girls-Closer To Fine

2008-05-13T06:53:00.001-04:00

actually learned about the indigo girls on the yellow school bus riding out to camp wise, summer 1989, this became a camp anthem (although, now adays the song leaders dont seem to use a capo and so none of the kids sing a long since they cant hit the notes)

Dear God-XTC

2008-05-13T06:51:00.001-04:00

great song, also from 7/8 grade era

a morning of '90s music

2008-05-13T06:44:00.001-04:00

Istanbul - They Might Be Giants. MTV Europe, 1990 (i was in 7/8 grade)

just feeling nostalgic for middle/high school, i guess, but here is a little selection of my favorites from those days

since when is chronic depression not a "real" mental health issue

2008-05-10T06:52:00.002-04:00

i had a client this week, that i have had a nmber of times over the past couple of years, who suffers from depression and suicidal ideation. this time, the discharge plan was a little different and i ended up calling MHS-an agency that works specifially with a homeless population- for his follow up services and lo and be-hold, they tell me that they only open cases with real mental health concerns, such as schizophrenia or bi-polar disorders

i cant share my irateness about this, it is so great....

however, i do know the program manager for the MHS outreach services, and i think i will contact her and ask for further clarification into this

depression is in and of its self-even with out its polarized mania states- a serious, life debililitating condition that needs appropriate care and it makes me sad that a primary mental health agency that i work with has so little regard for the issue

i intend on letting this agency know how i feel about it, and have attatched a link if anyone else is interested in learning more about this agency or in encouraging them to also take chronic depressive disorders as well.

Song of the day:

presence

2008-05-07T06:36:00.003-04:00

im here, really i am...i dont mean to be so quiet, but things have been extra busy....

i did finally get my car back on friday though, and she looks good as new and drives good as new

...and i promise to get back to this blogging business by the weekend

Song of the day: great spirit- brooke medicine eagle

MSWALK1

2008-04-27T10:00:00.001-04:00

Song of the day:

MSWALK2

2008-04-27T09:52:00.001-04:00

Song of the day:

sniped away

2008-04-25T06:55:00.004-04:00

from google:

Actor Snipes gets 3 years, apologizes for `costly mistakes'
Friday, April 25, 2008 6:36:01 AM
By TRAVIS REED

After haggling with revenue agents, criminal investigators and eventually U.S. prosecutors for almost a decade, Wesley Snipes....(snip)... was convicted of three counts of willfully failing to file returns, his trial was held by some as proof of victory for the tax protest movement. Snipes was acquitted of five other charges, including felony tax fraud and conspiracy, that would've exposed him to 13 more years in prison.

Criminal tax prosecutions are relatively rare -- usually the cases are handled in civil court, where the government has a lower burden of proof.

Snipes' attorneys argued the sentence was too stiff for a first-time offender convicted of three misdemeanors, and recommended he be given home detention and ordered to make public service announcements.

But U.S. District Judge William Terrell Hodges said Snipes exhibited a "history of contempt over a period of time" for U.S. tax laws.

"In my mind these are serious crimes, albeit misdemeanors," Hodges said.

The action star of the "Blade" trilogy, "White Men Can't Jump," "Jungle Fever" and other films hasn't filed a tax return since 1998, the government alleged. Snipes and the IRS still must determine how much he owes, plus interest and penalties. The government alleged Snipes made at least $13.8 million for the three years in question, owing at least $2.7 million in back taxes on them alone.

Snipes read aloud from a prepared apology, calling his actions "costly mistakes" but never mentioning the word "taxes." He said he was the victim of crooked advisers, a liability of wealth and celebrity that attract "wolves and jackals like flies are attracted to meat."

"I am an idealistic, naive, passionate, truth-seeking, spiritually motivated artist, unschooled in the science of law and finance," Snipes said.

please click the above link to read more, as snipes continues to blame others for his choices and his lawyers argue that he is being unfairly singled out because of his fame

i find this whole situaition very disappointing. i am watching our society fail, and people(or churches) that try and find ways to help ultra rich citizens get out of paying taxes are definitly going to be a part of the problem....and sorry, part of what comes with being famous is public scrutiny, and i am finally tired of this idea that you dont have resonsibility to your society as a highly visible, wealthy, well known american citizen

now, if while he was not paying his taxes, he put out good protest reasons, such as disagreeing with the iraq war (which didnt start until 2003 and snipes stopped paying his takes in 1998) that would be one thing, but...

oh, and as for any comments of snipes saying that he let people take advantage of him,douglas rosile, if you notice, no longer has a banking license, he lost it in 2006, and if nothing else, that should have set off the alarm bells.....

Song of the day:

some people just cannot afford to be careless

2008-04-24T07:55:00.002-04:00

from yahoo "A Grammy-nominated violinist has been reunited with a $4 million violin he left in the back of a cab...."

ive lost my car keyys, my house keys, clothes, books, friends....but never in 4 million years would i manage to lose a $4,000,000 anything....

earth day

2008-04-23T07:33:00.003-04:00

yesterday was earth day...it came and it went with little fanfare, i did not even manage to get to the park and focus my attention on the most important person in my life, the mother of all life

i guess life and news of super tuesday, who spent what and how and why, and having to spend $40 on a tank of gas.....i guess these were more important

Song of the day: sened me your voice- brooke medicine eagle

a new approach to the plagues

2008-04-22T07:18:00.002-04:00

and you can see my head during the hail, briefly on your right side all the way down by the kids...

Song of the day: dayenu

pre-planting with roseanna

2008-04-22T07:02:00.010-04:00

so roseanna invited me to come plant with her and her neighbor deirdre

i thought we would be outside, and i could get dirty but it was only in the base ment.....

roseanna offered me a surar-free popsicle while she and deirdre ate egg-salad. the fudgcisles were left over from andy (hence sugar-free) and when i opened one, it was so gooey from frost burn that i left little chocolate trails all over the table. so roseanna said there were a whole bunch in the basement freezer, and there were, about 20 boxes, and they were frost bitten too...i guess thats what six months does.

(deirdre's dog, calabash)
it was wonderful and nostalgic and comforting and loving and sad
(do you think the peppers actually have a one on them?)

Song of the day: sargeant peppers lonely hearts club band- the beatles

Nick Drake - 'Cello Song

2008-04-17T06:39:00.001-04:00

i know that i drempt last night, but i cant seem to reach out and grab onto it.... this song is keeping me right on the edge of awareness (closer to not further away.....

Blind Melon - No Rain (C) 1993 CAPITOL RECORDS

2008-04-15T08:10:00.001-04:00

this feels like the sound track of today, i feel hopeful and happy to be awake...though there are no puddles, only sunshine this morning, and shannon hoon did die of an OD, all the same, this song will always be the joy of being 16, grateful dead cncerts, teaching stephanie lovinger how to drive stick shift on my jeep wrangler, the first time i smoked pot, beginning to look for who i was outside of what was expected.....

it will always be about the rebellion for me, and there is power and joy in rebellion, and in the long run, my rebellion has brought me to a wonderful place

my mom's mswalk

2008-04-13T14:29:00.003-04:00

oh my god, how embarrasing!! (smile, i also love it mom, bbut did you have to put a picture of me and that doll on there? )

बिल्डिंग a possibility course

2008-04-13T07:44:00.006-04:00

it was a game of prepositions, leading
a horse over the hills, through the mountains
across the river, around the stillnness,
all these prepositions that were given,
suggested by another, but Creativity
DEMANDED the heroine of our story
Be differentiated, and a song-
simple and educational,
a grammer lesson in and of itself,
this case of a missing Part of Speech-
left over from a fifth grade musical
played itself loudly in her head, until
a list of extra pepositions was remembered
until the unmentioned, the ungiven
thought bloomed into action and
-lively and silly- under,
under the limbo stick with a horse in tow
she went and she was satisfied.

Song of the day:all the tired horses- bob dylan

i have nothing to say

2008-04-10T08:16:00.002-04:00

really, i dont have anything to say at all, but im posting just for you jeff

BEAUTIFUL SUNRISE

2008-04-07T07:46:00.001-04:00

Song of the day: karma police- radiohead

dreaming

2008-04-05T07:00:00.002-04:00

was at the beach with a friend and her kids as well as her child care worker and the workers kids, the sand was a light brown and a circle of yellowish stone condos were in a circle...

were sitting in the lunch room, it like like a cafeteria, rows and rows of metal tables with the uncomfortable benches attatched

i sit next to one of the child care workers kids, a girl about eight years old, she looked mixed, and her black knotty curly hair was pulled back into a pony tail and i know her name is phaedra (dreamers note: phaedra long sat next to me in 3rd grade science class...i threw up on her once in that class).

anyhow, i knew phaedra had been emotionally calming one of my friends kids- about what i dont know or remember, but i was impressed, i felt proud of this child, so i sat next to her and said "i want you to know that i am really proud of the way you are helping out. its very grown up of you, and she needed to hear from someone she looks up to that things are ok. "

phaedra gave me a little sneer before quickly turning back to her food. she said "its no big deal. god". but i knew it was important for her to hear, that she ould remember.

then i woke up

Song of the day: what love got to do with it- tie turner

semi

2008-04-03T16:26:00.005-04:00

i was hit from the rear by an eighteen wheeler tanker this morning...im not ready to tell the story tonight, but i am putting up the pictures...i was taking my boss, jeff moyer to see his friend stan. jeff is blind, which is why i work for him

we are all ok..

Song of the day:

Joni Mitchell-California (BBC)

2008-04-02T08:06:00.001-04:00

my favoritest joni song...not that i love california, but i want to be taken as i am...

somehow, as i struggle with boundaries, i think of this song, dont know why, biut i do

and is it me, or is the dulcimer mildly out of tune?

octopus sex

2008-04-01T07:32:00.003-04:00

be damned, that i should be human,
a woman with a fourteen waist, love
handling my hips with abandon

if i were an octopus, all the burly
hairy, macho octopi would want me,
they'd protect my cave while break-
fast eggs boiled beneath me, the bigger
the better, they'd clamor for this feminine
stature., but here, in my short-
ness of limb its only matrons and patrons
contemporaries of my mother and grandfather
that turn their heads to look, gasp,
call me striking while my peers
suggest i drop a size (or six)
but atleasti know-
i'm perfect for octopus sex.

Song of the day:

understanding the brain

2008-03-31T09:11:00.003-04:00

fascinating video on the function of the two hemispheres of the brain...a little londbut definitly worth the watch

it certainly helped me understand a number of the issues i was having when i was having active MS occurances on the left side of my body (meaning right hemispheric scarring)

video on the brainSong of the day:

new rules

2008-03-30T07:28:00.001-04:00

zeitgeist

2008-03-29T13:45:00.001-04:00

Song of the day:

thinking of myanmar

2008-03-29T06:15:00.003-04:00

jeff hess has taken on burma...i remember when it first started, the current uprising and subsequent crackdown by the junta, it took him a minute to become interested, but once he did, he decided to keep moving forward, despite the lack of interest that has taken over most of the country...though the amount of posts he brings forward can be overwhelming, i think he is filling an important vacuum

from have coffee will write (quoting the globe and mail

It was Hannah Arendt who wrote the " Under consitions of tyranny, it is easier to at than to think" While none would accuse Burma's Saffron Revolution of being unthinking, the sense of these words hold true. There is a time when thoughts must give way to action.

Yet, just as this notion holds truth, so does its reverse. That is is to say, with out the conditions of tyranny,, it is easier to think that to act.

Song of the day:

my own tent

2008-03-28T20:00:00.002-04:00

even though wolf creek has not lived up tp what i was looking for, i did decide i like camping anough to purchase my own tent....and was soo excited about it that i set it up in the living room

belief versus evidence-based

2008-03-25T06:54:00.003-04:00

i work with a woman who believes the earth is only 5500 years old or so...she says to me the other day, "you can try and prove things with science, and then the other side will be proven by science too, it doesnt matter, its about belief and i do believe the earth is as old as the bible..."

i told her, "no, the other side is not proven by science, but i guess we do believe what we believe"...

i bring this up because of this article i read this morning

Sex Ed Can Help Prevent Teen Pregnancy : from yahoo

Mon Mar 24, 11:46 PM ET

MONDAY, March 24 (HealthDay News) -- Comprehensive sex education may help reduce teen pregnancies without increasing levels of sexual intercourse or sexually transmitted diseases.
So find U.S. researchers who reviewed data from a 2002 national survey of more than 1,700 heterosexual teens, ages 15 to 19.

There is ongoing debate about whether abstinence-only education or comprehensive sex education (including instruction in birth control) is best for students.

Study lead author Pamela Kohler, a program manager at the University of Washington in Seattle, and colleagues found that about 25 percent of teens received abstinence-only education and about two-thirds received comprehensive sex education. About 9 percent -- particularly teens from poor families and those in rural areas -- received no sex education at all.

The researchers found that teens who received comprehensive sex education were 60 percent less likely to get pregnant or to get someone pregnant than those who received no sex education.

read the rest here

but it doesnt matter how many empirical studies are done...as my co-worker says, people will believe what they believe...though really, how many people would let a doctor perform a non-evidence based surgery on them?...although now that ive posed that question, im scared to know how many people would say "me!! i would!!"

Song of the day: lets talk about sex- salt and pepa

boundary crossing

2008-03-24T15:44:00.004-04:00

sometimes, i just cant feel where the boundary is...

i am seeing places all over right now, where i am unsure what the next step to make is, places where i didnt realize there was a boundary to be crossed, so how was i suppoesed to know i was about to cross it all, let alone that i had just taken huge leaps into territory i was not welcome in

i dont think the crossing is the problem, just that these lessons seem to be very hard learned for me, and i dont see myself making any progress, and that scares me...

part of the issue, i think is that i do not take enough responsibility when it happens, that i very much take on this exact attitude of "how can you hold me responsible, i didnt even know?"

another part of the problem is that i take on too much of the responsibility, and tend to be too quick to assume that i did something wrong, when in truth i did not...

these 2 attitudes, one a total lack of insight, the other allowing self blame to over rule any learning that can happen, they both get in my way of growing...

Song of the day: borderline- madonna

what a good big brother

2008-03-24T15:38:00.004-04:00

this is what i came home to, and ot think its not even been four full days since echo joined the family

song of the day- we are family- sister sledge

dream

2008-03-24T07:19:00.003-04:00

looking to move, view a third floor, one guy lives there, kind of a hippie guy aamd he is looking for a roomate. the ceiling is high, but meets in a triangle at the top, it is a lighter yellowish wood, and it is daytime out. there is a window on the eatstern side of the slanted ceiling, and it opens inward and down and the breeze is coming in, but it is also very warm due to the sunlight, and i think 'it is probably going to be too hot for me to live up here'

i know there was more, more people around, but i cant really find it in my mind, only the knowledge that there was definitly more

Song of the day: airbag- radiohead

echo

2008-03-20T18:06:00.003-04:00

i havent named him yet, but he is around five months old (libra? scorpio?)
here are the names i have in mind for neitsche's baby brother....UPDATE 20:06, 3/21/08 i have named him echo.

1.yogi
2. apple
3. malcolm
4.getepex
5. ? any ideas?

Song of the day:

jeff hess to the rescue

2008-03-20T07:22:00.002-04:00

left my keys in the ignition last night, and once again, hess saved the day by jumping me...um, you know what i mean

Song of the day: hard to handle- the black crows

even nietzche craves spring...

2008-03-18T20:34:00.004-04:00

Song of the day: purr- nietzche

chakra sound healing

2008-03-17T20:00:00.002-04:00

my friend dan brought a heart chakra bowl this weekend, and i fell in love with it (as did darren, jarrod, kathy m.)...i have always been a sound person, very sensitive to music...i enjoy many things that other people have called sad or depressing, but i dont find it that way, like itzak perlman or nick drake...well ok, nick was depressing in life and lyric, but in sound, i felt balanced by these things, much as i did by this video

seven minute video, one minute of sound for each chakra....the blue one was real uncomfortable for me

Song of the day: power of one- teddy pendergrass

work

2008-03-17T18:56:00.001-04:00

i hade a client at the hospital last week...she youched my heart much, and i did the best i could to find a place for her to go....and the facility i found for her, they sent me flowers

it may be a marketing ploy...id like to believe they found the good in this woman despite her difficulties, muh as i did

...the note thanked me for all i do

Song of the day: silence

gestalt exercise

2008-03-15T07:34:00.002-04:00

a look at one issue from three different view points through guided imagery-

view from the inside:

little blue pills and three
gabapentin, waist clench
thigh clench, confusion
thirty years and counting
a gestalt interrupted and NO!!
no sense of propriety
no taste for boundary
fast, fast and faster-
heartbeat and footwork
breath work and find
a path away from shyness
through the clemmons pelvis-
thrusting and pushing and sigh

sleep? what is sleep?
little blue pills define
a wide-awwake unconcious grind
asking, asking of the outside
outside of self-a demanding
phone call ruinse everything

and i am unforgiable

view from the outside:

two women
energy crackles-manic-driven youth
energy sinks down- the loss of mother moon
dancing, dancing, eyes darting
to and fro, in and out- disconnected
once powerful star implodes,
peters out- the same
star is never born twice
no fault no blame no reason
just bad timing and change
and change-
its not always about what's wanted
but what is
is and one thing
follows the other
....when will i be ready to heal?

how ive managed to sit with the problem:

embrace me-
i will not change for You
never, never
never deny who i am-recently
found coyote spirit
rhino heart plowing through
ive become more real than You and i know it

i will not be a good girl,
not for you, not for you
i will not walk away from what i want
just to make things easy for You

i may cry- there is truth in me tears
i may churn-there is strength in discomfort
oh, and such a discomfort in not being seen-
i let the presence of it be the tether
i wont cut

i cant force You to see me
You cant force me to hide away
with Your cold regards
You are stuck with me
until You use Your words, tell me to go
....i was and am special,
whether You see me or no

Song of the day:

where hatred and religion lead....

2008-03-12T07:56:00.003-04:00

Gay Iranian Teen Loses Asylum Bid
By MIKE CORDER,AP

The Netherlands' highest court on Tuesday rejected a gay Iranian's last-ditch appeal to avoid deportation to Britain, where he fears authorities will send him back to Tehran and possible execution.

Mehdi Kazemi, 19, traveled to Britain to study in 2005 and applied there for asylum after learning that his male lover in Iran had been executed for sodomy. After British authorities rejected Kazemi's application, he fled and applied for asylum in the Netherlands.

Upholding a ruling by the Dutch government, the Council of State said Britain is responsible for Kazemi's case because he applied for asylum there first. European Union rules say the member state where an asylum seeker first enters the bloc is responsible for processing that person's claim.

read more here
Copyright 2008 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.
2008-03-11 19:28:42

Song of the day:

i never have dreams about flying, but...

2008-03-12T06:36:00.007-04:00

things are busy right now, and it seems that the busier i am, the more i dream which is hard, as there is very little time to write about it (or to write about anything else for that matter...maybe its why i dream more, since writing is a great way for me to connect with the unconcious) but i felt that i needed to write this one out to fully take in whaht i have been given so....dreaming last night:

at the airport with my mother, we were going to be on one of the larger plane (which even in the dream i knew was weird since she is afraid of flying and hasnt flown since the '80s) and there was a big ruckus around us and someone came over the loud speaker announcing that they wanted to switch us onto an express jet (which i prefer to full size planes anyhow, so i was happy) because some famous person needed more room then the express jet could provide

so there i am with mom on the plane and we keep talking while waiting to take off, she had the window and i had the aisle in the two seat wide row and i was looking towards her, and we were both leaning forward when we took off and i said "mom look, you are flying and youre ok!"

then for some reason the plane made a little circle and landed and we were both confused because it meant we had to take off again, and mom was real nervous but we went through the same little interaction as we reentered the air and smoothed out at the best altitude

when i woke up, i was thinking about the brooke medicine eagle weekend i had back in october, thought about it for the whole ride to my coffeeshop (well, thought about it until i stopped at the gas stationa cross the street from the coffeee shop, where i became irate at the cost of gas instead of curious about the dream)...anyhow, we did this fun little game that weekend where we visioned for an animal (mine was the earth worm) and then broke up into groups of four where we eached posed a dillema for the other three in our group to 'talk' with their animals and provide a possible solution or piece of advice....i dont remember my question anymore, but jackie was in my group, and i think her animal was some insect she saw in the mane of one of her horses while riding- her animal's advice to me was "you keep trying to walk, but you need to fly"...in the moment, i didnt know what to do with that, and said so, but here i am, 5 months later contemplating once again, what can i do with that idea

then i got to my coffee, checked my email and had an announcement that jackie was doing a gestalt body process workshop with the horses next month, and i think i will request a spot now, it appears to line up to point in that direction....its already been an interesting morning, i have to say, and i wonder where else it will go

Song of the day: wild horses- rolling stones

nature, connection and integration: what a gestalt!!

2008-03-06T08:36:00.004-05:00

from yahoo:

"The way Anne is gazing so intently at Helen....Selsdon said the photograph is valuable because it shows many elements of Keller's childhood: that devotion, Sullivan's push to teach Helen outdoors and Helen's attachment to her baby dolls, one of which was given to her upon Sullivan's arrival as her teacher.

"It's a beautiful composition," she said. "It's not even the individual elements. It's the fact that it has all of the components."

On the Net:

New England Historic Genealogical Society: http://www.newenglandancestors.org
Helen Keller: http://www.afb.org/Section.asp?SectionID1

nature-based psychotherapy

Song of the day: me and bobby mcgee- janis joplin

cat of a 1000 faces

2008-03-06T08:12:00.001-05:00

Song of the day: stray cat strut- stray cats

double stubbed at the voting booth

2008-03-04T07:47:00.002-05:00

so i voted this morning, and what a troubling experience it was.

first off, because of the chads, we couldnt poke the ballot, and because of possible hacking stuff, we cant do touch screens- and so we stood, filling in the circles like grade schoolers doing their iowa tests, voting for the best candidate

i then take my ballot to the box, and the worker-a very nice guy named phillip- tells me to rip of the stub, but the stub says "do not rip off". i point this out to phillip, who shows me his instruction book, and sure enough, it says to remove the stub....

afterword, i was very concerned my vote would not count, so i called the cuyahoga board of elections....turns out there were TWO stube, the first to be removed (which phillip did) and the second to remain (the one he had me remove).....the board worker said my vote would still count, stub or not

why cant they come up with a system that wont confuse the fuck out of people?! can it really be that far fetched to come up with something reasonable and safe?

Song of the day: volunteers- jeff moyer

let me go easy- indigo girls

2008-03-03T18:10:00.002-05:00

come pleasure me again,im so tired of digging in
ive done my share i dont need to win, let me go easy
for two years my body fights, at this point it dont seem right
just to do it out of spite and keep hanging on
oh, let me go easy, wont you let me go easy, let me go right now

i see the numbers dwindling of my enemies and my friends
and still i know it never ends so im passing you this torch
fight the greed and the federals, fight the need and the toxic spills
drink from that wishing well, but may it never quench your thirst

let me go easy, let me go easy
wont you let me go easy, let me go right now

so when you get to loudenville for the tears and the fare-the-wells
for a moment stand real still and youll feel me moving on
you go ahead with your plans you wont be seeing me again
but youll feel me in the hand, the hand that holds the plow

let me go easy, let me go easy
wont you let me go easy, let me go right now

Song of the day: let me go easy- indigo girls

thank you, me, for trying to imagine what the group energy might say in order to provide comfort in this place of changing, as our time together winds down, and we acknowledge that never agian will we form quite as we are

on holy ground-barbra streisand

2008-03-03T17:55:00.002-05:00

how this video came to be on this blog is an interesting story, as i could onjly find one version on you tube, and it was private...so i wrote the person who maade the video and told her i wanted to repost it, and i like to get what i want and so she removed the privacy jsut for me.....kindness is a good thing

Song of the day: on holy ground-barbra streisand

thank you, connie, for this song of spirituality and faith...even if i dont believe in god, i think that its an important acknowledgement that something greater than i happens at gestalt

ms walk 2008

2008-02-29T08:02:00.002-05:00

ok, so i was slow on the uptake, putting my friend michelle in the position of team captain this year in stead of me,but for the forth year now, aftwerelightenment is going to walk for ms....the ms walk 2008 is on april 26 in cleveland ohio, and anyone is welcome to join the team by going to mssociety,org.....you can also start your own team in your own city to help find a cure for this devastating condition....thanks for your interest

Song of the day: tangled up in blue- bob dylan

womyn stuff

2008-02-27T20:58:00.002-05:00

brooke medicine eagle talked about her desire to go back to using moss when possible....i wonder what she thinks about this...

for the record, if i didnt insist on using ob, i would buy one po these brands....

Song of the day: estrofemme-tribe 8

bird

2008-02-26T10:36:00.001-05:00

just another picture from hess' dad

Song of the day:

politics and passover dinner

2008-02-26T07:24:00.002-05:00

hey mommy, this is the chick who always has me over for passover dinner....the conversation is great for sure, though it would give you a headache (and jill, awesome to see you show your stuff on cnn)

Song of the day: ?-towndz van zanz

dreaming

2008-02-24T08:32:00.008-05:00

so i remembered my dream for the first time last night in what seems like months

at jackie's current home in the guest cottage, many women are there and this one woman about my age approaches me and starts talking to me about something as if i am familiar with the situaiton, which i am not, nor am i sure who this woman is...it must be obvious, because she says to me "dont you remember" and i have to say "no, i dont"

mingling, jackie is watching me with a straight mouth. i go into the dining room (which i have never seen before) it is small and square, and is a dark wood, with an unfinished rectangular table in the center (upon waking, it occurs that it most looks like the room they have put aside to be herbs office space)

i remember what the woman was talking about and start looking around for her and i see her from behind, so i grab her shoulder excitedly, and say "i remember!! you are totally right and..." the woman turns around, only she is a woman who is much older then the woman i was speaking with before and i apologize fo my exuberance...

jackie is watching this from the corner of her eye, and i cant figure out why she always watches me, but we cant ever seem to interact well

Song fo the day:

eclipse

2008-02-20T22:34:00.007-05:00

after the snow melts

2008-02-20T07:15:00.004-05:00

Song of the day: cant tell what the title is-willie nelson

a picture from hess' dad

2008-02-15T07:16:00.001-05:00

Song of the day: watershed - indigo girls

my father

2008-02-13T07:32:00.003-05:00

i called my father the other night....we hadnt spoken in almost a decade, but ive been thinking about him more and more since andy died

ive been curious for awhile, looked up his number but was afraid to dial....i didnt want to fight

but we didnt fight...i actually think we took the first step toward an adult relationship

Song of the day: oh father- madonna

February 2, 2008: a must read

2008-02-06T10:48:00.000-05:00

The opinions expressed here are those of the author alone, and not those of the Women’s Media Center. As a 501(c)3 organization, the Women’s Media Center does not endorse or support candidates for elected office.

Goodbye To All That (#2) by Robin Morgan

February 2, 2008

“Goodbye To All That” was my (in)famous 1970 essay breaking free from a politics of accommodation especially affecting women (for an online version, see http://blog.fair-use.org/category/chicago/).

During my decades in civil-rights, anti-war, and contemporary women’s movements, I’ve avoided writing another specific “Goodbye . . .” But not since the suffrage struggle have two communities—joint conscience-keepers of this country—been so set in competition, as the contest between Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) and Barack Obama (BO) unfurls. So.

Goodbye to the double standard . . .

—Hillary is too ballsy but too womanly, a Snow Maiden who’s emotional, and so much a politician as to be unfit for politics.

—She’s “ambitious” but he shows “fire in the belly.” (Ever had labor pains?)

—When a sexist idiot screamed “Iron my shirt!” at HRC, it was considered amusing; if a racist idiot shouted “Shine my shoes!” at BO, it would’ve inspired hours of airtime and pages of newsprint analyzing our national dishonor.

—Young political Kennedys—Kathleen, Kerry, and Bobby Jr.—all endorsed Hillary. Senator Ted, age 76, endorsed Obama. If the situation were reversed, pundits would snort “See? Ted and establishment types back her, but the forward-looking generation backs him.” (Personally, I’m unimpressed with Caroline’s longing for the Return of the Fathers. Unlike the rest of the world, Americans have short memories. Me, I still recall Marilyn Monroe’s suicide, and a dead girl named Mary Jo Kopechne in Chappaquiddick.)

Goodbye to the toxic viciousness . . .

Carl Bernstein's disgust at Hillary’s “thick ankles.” Nixon-trickster Roger Stone’s new Hillary-hating 527 group, “Citizens United Not Timid” (check the capital letters). John McCain answering “How do we beat the bitch?" with “Excellent question!” Would he have dared reply similarly to “How do we beat the black bastard?” For shame.

Goodbye to the HRC nutcracker with metal spikes between splayed thighs. If it was a tap-dancing blackface doll, we would be righteously outraged—and they would not be selling it in airports. Shame.

Goodbye to the most intimately violent T-shirts in election history, including one with the murderous slogan “If Only Hillary had married O.J. Instead!” Shame.

Goodbye to Comedy Central’s “Southpark” featuring a storyline in which terrorists secrete a bomb in HRC’s vagina. I refuse to wrench my brain down into the gutter far enough to find a race-based comparison. For shame.

Goodbye to the sick, malicious idea that this is funny. This is not “Clinton hating,” not “Hillary hating.” This is sociopathic woman-hating. If it were about Jews, we would recognize it instantly as anti-Semitic propaganda; if about race, as KKK poison. Hell, PETA would go ballistic if such vomitous spew were directed at animals. Where is our sense of outrage—as citizens, voters, Americans?

Goodbye to the news-coverage target-practice . . .

The women’s movement and Media Matters wrung an apology from MSNBC’s Chris Matthews for relentless misogynistic comments (www.womensmediacenter.com). But what about NBC’s Tim Russert’s continual sexist asides and his all-white-male panels pontificating on race and gender? Or CNN’s Tony Harris chuckling at “the chromosome thing” while interviewing a woman from The White House Project? And that’s not even mentioning Fox News.

Goodbye to pretending the black community is entirely male and all women are white . . .

Surprise! Women exist in all opinions, pigmentations, ethnicities, abilities, sexual preferences, and ages—not only African American and European American but Latina and Native American, Asian American and Pacific Islanders, Arab American and—hey, every group, because a group wouldn’t exist if we hadn’t given birth to it. A few non-racist countries may exist—but sexism is everywhere. No matter how many ways a woman breaks free from other discriminations, she remains a female human being in a world still so patriarchal that it’s the “norm.”

So why should all women not be as justly proud of our womanhood and the centuries, even millennia, of struggle that got us this far, as black Americans, women and men, are justly proud of their struggles?

Goodbye to a campaign where he has to pass as white (which whites—especially wealthy ones—adore), while she has to pass as male (which both men and women demanded of her, and then found unforgivable). If she were blackor he were female we wouldn’t be having such problems, and I for one would be in heaven. But at present such a candidate wouldn’t stand a chance—even if she shared Condi Rice’s Bush-defending politics.

I was celebrating the pivotal power at last focused on African American women deciding on which of two candidates to bestow their vote—until a number of Hillary-supporting black feminists told me they’re being called “race traitors.”

So goodbye to conversations about this nation’s deepest scar—slavery—which fail to acknowledge that labor- and sexual-slavery exist today in the U.S. and elsewhere on this planet, and the majority of those enslaved are women.

Women have endured sex/race/ethnic/religious hatred, rape and battery, invasion of spirit and flesh, forced pregnancy; being the majority of the poor, the illiterate, the disabled, of refugees, caregivers, the HIV/AIDS afflicted, the powerless. We have survived invisibility, ridicule, religious fundamentalisms, polygamy, teargas, forced feedings, jails, asylums, sati, purdah, female genital mutilation, witch burnings, stonings, and attempted gynocides. We have tried reason, persuasion, reassurances, and being extra-qualified, only to learn it never was about qualifications after all. We know that at this historical moment women experience the world differently from men—though not all the same as one another—and can govern differently, from Elizabeth Tudor to Michele Bachelet and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.

We remember when Shirley Chisholm and Patricia Schroeder ran for this high office and barely got past the gate—they showed too much passion, raised too little cash, were joke fodder. Goodbye to all that. (And goodbye to some feminists so famished for a female president they were even willing to abandon women’s rights in backing Elizabeth Dole.)

Goodbye, goodbye to . . .

—blaming anything Bill Clinton does on Hillary (even including his womanizing like the Kennedy guys—though unlike them, he got reported on). Let’s get real. If he hadn’t campaigned strongly for her everyone would cluck over what that meant. Enough of Bill and Teddy Kennedy locking their alpha male horns while Hillary pays for it.

—an era when parts of the populace feel so disaffected by politics that a comparative lack of knowledge, experience, and skill is actually seen as attractive, when celebrity-culture mania now infects our elections so that it’s “cooler” to glow with marquee charisma than to understand the vast global complexities of power on a nuclear, wounded planet.

—the notion that it’s fun to elect a handsome, cocky president who feels he can learn on the job, goodbye to George W. Bush and the destruction brought by his inexperience, ignorance, and arrogance.

Goodbye to the accusation that HRC acts “entitled” when she’s worked intensely at everything she’s done—including being a nose-to-the-grindstone, first-rate senator from my state.

Goodbye to her being exploited as a Rorschach test by women who reduce her to a blank screen on which they project their own fears, failures, fantasies.

Goodbye to the phrase “polarizing figure” to describe someone who embodies the transitions women have made in the last century and are poised to make in this one. It was the women’s movement that quipped, “We are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” She heard us, and she has.

Goodbye to some women letting history pass by while wringing their hands, because Hillary isn’t as “likeable” as they’ve been warned they must be, or because she didn’t leave him, couldn’t “control” him, kept her family together and raised a smart, sane daughter. (Think of the blame if Chelsea had ever acted in the alcoholic, neurotic manner of the Bush twins!) Goodbye to some women pouting because she didn’t bake cookies or she did, sniping because she learned the rules and then bent or broke them. Grow the hell up. She is not running for Ms.-perfect-pure-queen-icon of the feminist movement. She’s running to be president of the United States.

Goodbye to the shocking American ignorance of our own and other countries’ history. Margaret Thatcher and Golda Meir rose through party ranks and war, positioning themselves as proto-male leaders. Almost all other female heads of government so far have been related to men of power—granddaughters, daughters, sisters, wives, widows: Gandhi, Bandaranike, Bhutto, Aquino, Chamorro, Wazed, Macapagal-Arroyo, Johnson Sirleaf, Bachelet, Kirchner, and more. Even in our “land of opportunity,” it’s mostly the first pathway “in” permitted to women: Representatives Doris Matsui and Mary Bono and Sala Burton; Senator Jean Carnahan . . . far too many to list here.

Goodbye to a misrepresented generational divide . . .

Goodbye to the so-called spontaneous “Obama Girl” flaunting her bikini-clad ass online—then confessing Oh yeah it wasn’t her idea after all, some guys got her to do it and dictated the clothes, which she said “made me feel like a dork.”

Goodbye to some young women eager to win male approval by showing they’re not feminists (at least not the kind who actually threaten thestatus quo), who can’t identify with a woman candidate because she is unafraid of eeueweeeu yucky power, who fear their boyfriends might look at them funny if they say something good about her. Goodbye to women of any age again feeling unworthy, sulking “what if she’s not electable?” or “maybe it’s post-feminism and whoooosh we’re already free.” Let a statement by the magnificent Harriet Tubman stand as reply. When asked how she managed to save hundreds of enslaved African Americans via the Underground Railroad during the Civil War, she replied bitterly, “I could have saved thousands—if only I’d been able to convince them they were slaves.”

I’d rather say a joyful Hello to all the glorious young women who do identifywith Hillary, and all the brave, smart men—of all ethnicities and any age—who get that it’s in their self-interest, too. She’s better qualified. (D’uh.) She’s a high-profile candidate with an enormous grasp of foreign- and domestic-policy nuance, dedication to detail, ability to absorb staggering insult and personal pain while retaining dignity, resolve, even humor, and keep on keeping on. (Also, yes, dammit, let’s hear it for her connections and funding and party-building background, too. Obama was awfully glad about those when she raised dough and campaigned for him to get to the Senate in the first place.)

I’d rather look forward to what a good president he might make in eight years, when his vision and spirit are seasoned by practical know-how—and he’ll be all of 54. Meanwhile, goodbye to turning him into a shining knight when actually he’s an astute, smooth pol with speechwriters who’ve worked with the Kennedys’ own speechwriter-courtier Ted Sorenson. If it’s only about ringing rhetoric, let speechwriters run. But isn’t it about getting the policies we want enacted?

And goodbye to the ageism . . .

How dare anyone unilaterally decide when to turn the page on history, papering over real inequities and suffering constituencies in the promise of a feel-good campaign? How dare anyone claim to unify while dividing, or think that to rouse U.S. youth from torpor it’s useful to triage the single largest demographic in this country’s history: the boomer generation—the majority of which is female?

Old woman are the one group that doesn’t grow more conservative with age—and we are the generation of radicals who said “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” Goodbye to going gently into any goodnight any man prescribes for us. We are the women who changed the reality of the United States. And though we never went away, brace yourselves: we’re back!

We are the women who brought this country equal credit, better pay, affirmative action, the concept of a family-focused workplace; the women who established rape-crisis centers and battery shelters, marital-rape and date-rape laws; the women who defended lesbian custody rights, who fought for prison reform, founded the peace and environmental movements; who insisted that medical research include female anatomy; who inspired men to become more nurturing parents; who created women’s studies and Title IX so we all could cheer the WNBA stars and Mia Hamm. We are the women who reclaimed sexuality from violent pornography, who put childcare on the national agenda, who transformed demographics, artistic expression, language itself. We are the women who forged a worldwide movement. We are the proud successors of women who, though it took more than 50 years, won us the vote.

We are the women who now comprise the majority of U.S. voters.

Hillary said she found her own voice in New Hampshire. There’s not a woman alive who, if she’s honest, doesn’t recognize what she means. Then HRC got drowned out by campaign experts, Bill, and media’s obsession with everything Bill.

So listen to her voice:

“For too long, the history of women has been a history of silence. Even today, there are those who are trying to silence our words.

“It is a violation of human rights when babies are denied food, or drowned, or suffocated, or their spines broken, simply because they are born girls. It is a violation of human rights when woman and girls are sold into the slavery of prostitution. It is a violation of human rights when women are doused with gasoline, set on fire and burned to death because their marriage dowries are deemed too small. It is a violation of human rights when individual women are raped in their own communities and when thousands of women are subjected to rape as a tactic or prize of war. It is a violation of human rights when a leading cause of death worldwide along women ages 14 to 44 is the violence they are subjected to in their own homes. It is a violation of human rights when women are denied the right to plan their own families, and that includes being forced to have abortions or being sterilized against their will.

“Women’s rights are human rights. Among those rights are the right to speak freely—and the right to be heard.”

That was Hillary Rodham Clinton defying the U.S. State Department and the Chinese Government at the 1995 UN World Conference on Women in Beijing (look here for the full, stunning speech).

And this voice, age 21, in “Commencement Remarks of Hillary D. Rodham, President of Wellesley College Government Association, Class of 1969.”

“We are, all of us, exploring a world none of us understands. . . . searching for a more immediate, ecstatic, and penetrating mode of living. . . . [for the] integrity, the courage to be whole, living in relation to one another in the full poetry of existence. The struggle for an integrated life existing in an atmosphere of communal trust and respect is one with desperately important political and social consequences. . . . Fear is always with us, but we just don't have time for it.”

She ended with the commitment “to practice, with all the skill of our being: the art of making possible.”

And for decades, she’s been learning how.

So goodbye to Hillary’s second-guessing herself. The real question is deeper than her re-finding her voice. Can we women find ours? Can we do this for ourselves?

“Our President, Ourselves!”

Time is short and the contest tightening. We need to rise in furious energy—as we did when Anita Hill was so vilely treated in the U.S. Senate, as we did when Rosie Jiminez was butchered by an illegal abortion, as we did and do for women globally who are condemned for trying to break through. We need to win, this time. Goodbye to supporting HRC tepidly, with ambivalent caveats and apologetic smiles. Time to volunteer, make phone calls, send emails, donate money, argue, rally, march, shout, vote.

Me? I support Hillary Rodham because she’s the best qualified of all candidates running in both parties. I support her because her progressive politics are as strong as her proven ability to withstand what will be a massive right-wing assault in the general election. I support her because she knows how to get us out of Iraq. I support her because she’s refreshingly thoughtful, and I’m bloodied from eight years of a jolly “uniter” with ejaculatory politics. I needn’t agree with her on every point. I agree with the 97 percent of her positions that are identical with Obama’s—and the few where hers are both more practical and to the left of his (like health care). I support her because she’s already smashed the first-lady stereotype and made history as a fine senator, because I believe she will continue to make history not only as the first US woman president, but as a great US president.

As for the “woman thing”?

Me, I’m voting for Hillary not because she’s a woman—but because I am.

Song of the day:

A Hard Day's Night

2008-02-06T07:30:00.001-05:00

Song of the day: hard days night- beatles

thank you, david, for acknowledging the amount of energy this type of program can take, and the importance of having support at home

appreciated confluence

2008-02-06T07:03:00.000-05:00

somehow, super tuesday ended up being a little emotional for me...i actually watched cnn (and i mean watched, not just flipped through with a quick check in)for the first time in over a decade last night, and i was close to tears many times as i thought about what a beautiful thing it is to belong to the democratic party as the millenium advances...to think that over 70% of us will be happy no matter which of our choices win the primary and that the candidate- be he black, or be he a she- will be su[pported by all....our asses are finally cashing the check our mouths have been promising....

now the true answer will be, how well will our candidate do nationally

wharf rat

2008-02-04T21:38:00.000-05:00

my favoritest dead song

Song of the day: wharf rat- grateful dead

...thanks, hess